| Let’s all go downtown and get shit-faced! I got a lot to celebrate. I just got the latest telephone, the FU69, which has a Bluetooth that you stick up your butt. The ringtone has got Britney Spears singing “La Cucaracha” and it shows a video of Yosemite Sam blasting the shit out of Speedy Gonzalez every time he tries to cross the Mexican border. When the phone rings, you hand it to the guy standing next to you, and when he puts it to his ear a boxing glove pops out and punches him in the head. We’ll drink a toast to George Bush, the sorriest mutherfucker who ever lived. He’s going down fast and he’s dragging us all down with him. Don’t blame me. I voted for Kerrey, who would have won the election if they hadn’t published that photo of him windsurfing. It wasn’t the surfboard that buried him – it was those fruity tights he was wearing, which made it look like he was carrying a load in his pants. That’s why God invented surfer shorts, you moron! Meanwhile, Tina Brown’s latest stale rehash of Princess Diana is Number One On The Charts With A Bullet. She knows she’s shabby but she’s laughing all the way to the bank. “I’m blown away with sheer delight,” she exalted. I’ m glad somebody is getting blown. Paris Hilton sold the exclusive rights for her baby pictures to People Magazine for $20million. Now all she has to do is get pregnant. Omigod, Paris Hilton’s baby, how’s that for a concept! With all the shit she’s taken and the VD and the herpes, the baby should make the cover of “Shock Magazine,” with a foot growing out of its two heads. The CIA admitted that it tried to kill Fidel Castro. They infiltrated some of that Chinese toothpaste into his medicine cabinet to make his teeth fall out. Then they substituted plastic explosives for his Preparation H, so that when he sat down his butt would explode. When that didn’t work, they planted a bomb in his ’54 Chevy, but the car wouldn’t start. Finally they slipped him one of those Cialis pills, figuring that the four-hour erection would kill him, but the old geezer loved it so much he ordered a whole case. I give up. Bartender, fix me another double! |
A Likely Prospect for Rehab
| SHITFACED |
| 200motels CULTURE |
| Comedy |
| Tragedy |
| Nonsense |
| Bullshit |
