| Archeological remains recently discovered in Boston harbor show that it was a place where prehistoric whales used to beach themselves and puke their guts out after eating diseased seagulls. The Indian name for Boston was Wattahump, or "Place Where Lepers Relieve Shit". The original penises and limbs that fell off these unfortunate people while they were in the process of doing this have been lovingly preserved in jars of formaldehyde and put on display in Faneuil Hall, where they can be seen by unfortunate travelers who have had the bad luck to be diverted there when their flights to Montreal were turned back due to bad weather conditions. The site of modern Boston was originally a collections of primitive outhouses built by European settlers as a rest stop where the ancestors of Senator Larry B. Craig first perfected the art of tap-dancing while sitting on the john. Boston has always been jealous of New York without having a chance of emulating it, the same way Pee-Wee Herman is jealous of Arnold Schwartznegger. A dog can howl at the moon, but it's still a dog and the moon is still the moon. Back in the eighteenth century, when New York invented baseball and established its team, the glorious Yankees, Boston decided to have a team too, but they were too retarded to think up a name for it. They had a town meeting to decide on the name for the unfortunate group of misfits and mental defectives they had assembled from the insane asylum to represent them. One group wanted to call the team "The Boston Dorks" and the other group wanted to call it "The Nerds". In the middle of the fight, somebody interrupted the proceedings to ask, "What stinks so bad?" It turns out that one of the female Bostonians was wearing a pair of red underpants that she had been wearing for a month, which is the custom in Boston. The panties had originally been white but she was having her period and now they were red. Somebody said, "Let's call our team "The Boston Red Panties" and the name stuck. She took off her panties and they ran them up the flagpole. It was only after receiving complaints about the odor from the citizens of Providence RI, which was located downwind from Boston, that they replaced the ladies' nasty bloomers with a pair of odiferous red sox that somebody had stolen from a wino sleeping in the subway. For the purposes of this story, however, we shall refer to the team as the Red Schmucks. Boston had a similar experience when it came time to name their hockey team. They couldn't decide whether to call it "The Boston Losers" or "Clowns on Ice," but one member of the group mentioned that he had just seen a bear shitting in Boston Common, so they called the team "The Boston Dump", which they later changed to da Broons. Boston is famous for spending a hundred billion dollars on a highway tunnel that collapsed the first day it was open, crushing a family who was riding in their car. Their football team perfected the art of cheating by using industrial espionage techniques to steal the opposing team's signals. Boston baseball players who have had the good fortune to be traded to New York have shown their gratitude by kissing the ground New Yorkers walk on. Johnny Damon still pukes when you even mention Boston in his presence. Lately their baseball team, the Red Schmucks, has shown some ability, but scientific observers have suggested that they are all pumped up on steroids and may also be guilty of cheating by using the same techniques the Patriots used to steal catchers' hand signals. The national food of Boston is beans, which explains the gas coming out of their butt but not the hot air coming out of their mouths, as they are very tedious people. The natural flatulence of obese Bostonians has been responsible for a greenhouse effect, which is breaking up the ozone, with the resultant global warming causing large chunks of Boston to fall off into Boston Harbor. Fat Bostonians who were sunning themselves on the rocks like walruses and unable to turn over in time because of their immense girth have been sighted floating out to sea and have had to be towed back to land by Coast Guard cutters. In addition to being very plain and dull-witted, Bostonians are also extremely sanctimonious and ill-humored. Boston has never produced anybody even remotely interesting. New Yorkers have recently proposed a security fence to keep Bostonians from sneaking into New York and taking jobs away from our Mexicans who, unlike Boston, at least have a few good rock bands. |
| THE HISTORY OF BOSTON |
| 200motels HISTORY |
| Comedy |
| Tragedy |
| Nonsense |
| Bullshit |
