| 200motels POLITICS |
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| 200motels BEIJING OLYMPICS |
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End Gun Violence! Stab Somebody Instead! |
| 200motels NEW YORK CITY |
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| New Yorkers, responding to Mayor Bloomberg's campaign against gun violence, have responded by killing each other with knives instead. |
| "Sure it's more work," said Manuel Ramirez of the Bronx. "Sometimes you have to chase the guy. But by killing him with a knife instead of a gun, I feel like I'm doing something for the community." |
| Daisy Harris of Harlem, who recently hacked her husband to death with a butcher knife during a domestic dispute, agreed. "There's an indefinable feeling of satisfaction. It's like popping a balloon or deflating a tire." |
| Defense attorney L. Turdley Putzman also concurred. "Juries tend to look more favorably on knife murders because there are no loud gunshots to disturb the neighbors." |
| Killing people with guns is a relatively recent historical occurrence. Throughout history knives and clubs have been the preferred weapons of choice for settling disputes. H. Smuckley Pato, curator of the Inmates Weapon Museum at Folsom Prison, which boasts one of the world's largest collection of homemade knives, is an incurable traditionalist when it comes to stabbing people rather than shooting them. "Remember, we're descended from apes. Using tools for extracting termites from logs for eating is an indelible aspect of our nature, and punching holes in each other is a logical extension of that. I wholeheartedly concur with this trend toward stabbing rather than shooting. It"s classical." |
| What does Mayor Bloomberg think? "It's ecologically sound not to waste lead, which is an unsafe substance to release into the environment. "If you're going to kill someone, stab him," the mayor concluded. |
