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| 200motels BEIJING OLYMPICS |
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| 200motels POLITICS |
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The Jersey Jewz! |
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| Since California went senile, New Jersey is taking over as the new airhead capital of the world, with “Real Housewives”, “Jersey Shore”, “Jersey Couture”, and “Jerseylicious” (not to mention “The Sopranos”, Springsteen and Bruce Willis!). Nevertheless, one entire group of New Jerseyites has been totally left out of the limelight. Now they are demanding equal treatment, complaining, “What are we, chopped liver?” The Jews of New Jersey are just as stoopid and boring as the Italians or any other group that resides in the Garbage State, and they are demanding to be represented on national television like anybody else. Therefore, 200motels presents the real reality (as opposed to the fake reality) of their reality! We got the show that’s taking the turnpike by storm, “Jersey Jewz”, featuring Marty, Ernie and Howie, three rejects who got kicked out of yeshiva for stealing girls bras and selling them as combat yarmulkes with chinstraps. These guys are such misfits, their mothers took one look at them and swore off sex. |
| Howie – Whaddaya wanna do tonight? Ernie – I got it! Let’s hijack a pizza delivery truck from the Italians and eat all the pizza! Marty – No good! Famous Famiglia started using armored cars to deliver the pizzas, with armed guards. Ernie – Let’s go up to Yankee Stadium and steal some bases to sell to the Mets! Howie – Mayor Bloomberg said if we show our faces in New York again, he’s gonna circumcise us himself, with a bayonet! Marty – Well, in that case, there’s only one thing left to do. |
| Oh we are the Jersey Jewz We’re such dummies we got nothing left to lose We are the pretty things When you shake hands with us you better count your rings Cause we are the Jersey Jewz! |
| Point Pleasant is the place Where the shiksas sit on your face If you happen to have a big one in your pants No need for a big song and dance The girls in Point Pleasant are very romantic And after you’re finished, you can throw them in the Atlantic So if you’re heading down there to make the scene Bring a huge shitload of Vaseline! |
| Marty – We can drive down in my Uncle Eugene’s bagel truck. Ernie – Cool! Then we just have to put a mattress in the back and fuck the girls right in the truck. That way we can save money for a motel room! Marty – Yeah, but on the way we have to stop at the state prison. Howie – The prison? What for? Ernie – I promised my uncle that I would drop off a bag of bagels to my rabbi, who’s doing time there. Howie – What’s he in for? Ernie – Oh, the usual. Money laundering, embezzlement, wire fraud, counterfeiting, child molesting, forgery, false documents, trafficking in transplant organs, lying to the FBI, perjury. You know. The usual. Howie – How long is his sentence? Ernie – 20 years. He should get out when he’s 85 with good behavior. Howie – Well, I sure hope those prison gangs don’t stretch out his butt too much. Ernie – [gets hot] Don’t worry! My rabbi’s plenty tough. He took extreme fighting at yeshiva. He ain’t a fruit like your rabbi. Howie – Yeah, well my rabbi can kick your rabbi’s butt anytime. [They start to fight] Marty – Quit fucking around, you two! I thought we were going down to the boardwalk to fuck some shiksas. Howie – Wait ‘til those Italian broads see the big Hebrew National I got for them in my pants! |
| [The boardwalk is mobbed with kids in their bathing suits] Ernie – Wow, look at all the fantastic shiksas! How are we gonna get some of this nice pussy? Marty – I’ll show you how! Throw this canvas over your head. Ernie – Like this? Marty – Yeah! Now, don’t move. [Marty takes out a switchblade knife and cuts a hole in the canvas] Now, stick your dick through the hole. Ernie – Like this? Marty – Yeah. Now, don’t move. [Starts to yell like a carnival barker] Step right up, ladies! Free ring toss game! Throw the bagel on the peg and win a free trip to Miami Beach! Boy – Can I try it? Marty – Beat it, ya froot! Women only! Step right up! Girl – I bet I can do it! Marty – Just throw the bagel on to the peg and you win a free trip to Miami Beach! Girl – Hey, the peg is too thick for the holes in these bagels! Marty – No problem! Use some of this Vaseline to grease the peg. Girl – Hey, this is a funny-looking peg! Where have I seen this before? Marty – Never mind. Now that you have got the peg greased up, why don’t you just push the bagel on with your hand? Girl – Like this? [Ernie shoots off a huge load of jism all over the girl] Girl – Hey, that’s not a ring-toss target. IT’S A DICK! And it just shot come all over my Brazilian bikini and in my face and my hair! HELP, POLICE! [A cop immediately appears] Cop – What’s going on here? Girl – Officer, this guy jerked off all over me, AND HE USED MY HAND TO DO IT! Cop – You didn’t know you were jamming a bagel onto a man’s cock? Girl – I never saw a circumcised one before. I swear! Cop – You boys are in big trouble, but for a few bucks I could look the other way. Howie – We ain’t got no money! Cop – In that case, you’re all under arrest. You’ll have to appear before Judge Mozzarella, and he don’t like Jews very much since his AIG stock tanked. What will happen to the boys? Will they end up sharing a jail cell with their rabbi? Tune next week for the conclusion of “Jersey Jewz”!. |
| All – Let’s go down to Point Pleasant and fuck some shiksas!!!! |
| [The three Jersey Jewz are cruising down Point Pleasant Avenue in the bagel truck] Ernie - Wow! Look at all the beautiful gentile broads in their bikinis! [Yells out the window] Hey, pusso, you wanna hose job? Girl – Shove it up your ass, you moron! Howie – I love it when they talk dirty. Marty – [yells out the window] Hey, babe, why don’t you come in the truck? We’ll give you some bagels! Girl – Why don’t you stick your dick through the hole in the bagel ha-ha-ha! Ernie – We’re not getting any girls! Marty – Never mind. She just gave me a great idea. [parks the van] Get that roll of canvas and a bag of bagels. Let’s go up on the boardwalk. |
