| Twas the week before Christmas And all through New York Not a creature was stirring Not even a jork All the people in town Were glued to the tube To see how many ways The Knicks could lose [Knicks owner James Dolan is strolling through the underground garage to his limo. He runs into Tiny Stephon Marbury, the Knicks mascot] Marbury - Please sir, may I have some more? Dolan - More what? Marbury - Money, sir! Dolan - What? I just paid you twenty million bucks last week! Marbury - Please, sir! It's not for me. It's for my friend Michael Vick. All his dogs died and he needs a seeing eye dog to help him get around his jail cell. Dolan - Well, here's fifty thousand bucks. It's all I got on me. Marbury - Oh thank you, sir, thank you thank you! Dolan - Just make sure you get out there and lose some more games. Marbury - I will boss! [hobbles away] Dolan - Damn ball players think money grows on trees. [James Dolan and his father, Big Boss Charles Dolan, have just finished lunch at Cipriani's and are lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills] James - Geez, everywhere I go people are bugging me about the Knicks. Knicks this, Knicks that! What do I care about the freakin Knicks? No matter what, the fans are going to fill the stands anyway. Charles - It's better if they lose. This lawsuit with Anucha Brown Sanders is a blessing in disguise. All this bad publicity is driving down the price fo Cablevision stock. When it tanks we'll put out an offer to buy back the stock for peanuts and the shareholders will line up to get out of it. They turned down an offer for $36 a share, they'll be lucky to get $20, the morons! James - Yeah, they'll never catch on, the knuckleheads! Charles - Are you sure you have the press under control? James - Don't worry, Pops, right now the working press is feeling no pain. They all got courtside passes, big dinners, vacations, money, hookers, you name it! Whatever it takes. Charles - Well, make sure you stay on top of that. We don't want those pricks to let the cat out of the bag. [That night James Dolan is in his little beddy-bye-bye with his nightgown and sleeping cap on] James - Bah, the Knicks, what do I care about the Knicks? My band is opening for Dave Matthews in Cincinnati and I got to work on my repertoire. Knicks, who cares? Bah humbug! [Dolan falls into a fitful slumber] To sleep, perchance to dream. Dolan's dream is invaded by Walt Frazier, in a Knicks uniform and holding a basketball. [Dolan sits up in his bed and screams] Dolan - What do you want? Frazier - Basketball is an art. I think about the Knicks every day of my life. They should take you out and shoot you with a firing squad! [Walt Frazier shoots the ball at Dolan in his bed. The ball hits Dolan in the head and bounces off. Walt Frazier turns and walks out through the wall] Dolan - Whoa, I better lay off the hard stuff for a while! [Lays down in bed] [Suddenly a shimmering wall of light appears, Bill Bradley steps through the curtain of light into Dolan's bedroom. Bradley is wearing the expensive tailored suit of a U.S. Senator] Bradley - I did a lot of great things in life, but playing for the Knicks was the high point of my life. For a useless, greedy little fatman like you to ruin the Knicks is almost more than I am able to bear. Every time the Knicks are on TV now, I just want to put my foot through it! [Bradley walks over to Dolan and squeezes Dolan's nose like a Loony Tunes cartoon comedy] Dolan - Oooh oooh oooh! [Bradley walks back out through the curtain of light and disappears. Dolan is again alone in his bed] Dolan - Bah humbug! What do these idiots know about sports? Sports is a business! Everything I do is for sound financial reasons. [A celestial chorus of angels starts singing. James Dolan starts quaking with fright] Dolan - Now what? [Patrick Ewing appears in a satin church choir robe with a shining halo over his head] Dolan - What do you want? Ewing - I want you to repent. Dolan - Bah humbug! Ewing - I broke my body for the Knicks. I've had knee operations, back operations, hip operations and I'm not yet fifty years old. The NBA is a war and the Knicks are an army that have been betrayed by its own generals. This is your last warning! [Ewing disappears] [The scene is a banquet hall in a high floor of The Empire State Building. All the Knicks are seated around a banquet table] Jamal Crawford - Boy, this is the life! Have some more champagne. Zack Randolph - Don't mind if I do! Eddy Curry - Who would've thought we'd be treated so good for losing games! Marbury - I propose a toast to our coach, Isiah Thomas, who taught us how to get out there and lose! Thomas - I never could have done it without your help. Reynaldo Bachman - Quiet! Here comes the boss. [James Dolan takes his place at the head of the table] Dolan - Boys, welcome to the party. I want to tell you men, I've had a vision. A vision of a team of heros who inspire all New Yorkers to give life their best shot. Bachman - [laughing] Are you talking about us? Team - Ha ha ha! Dolan - So I want to present you with these little tokens of my esteem. [Passes around envelopes] Curry - Oh boy, this must be our Christmas bonuses! Randolph - Just in time for me. I done spent all my money. Crawford - I need a bigger mansion. Thomas - Hey, this ain't a check. It's a pink slip! Bachman - We're all being fired! You can't do this to us. We got contracts! Dolan - You didn't read the fine print. It says that if you lose forty games in a row you can be let go for cause. Thomas - What are you going to do without a team? Dolan - Oh, there'll be a team, all right. I'm bringing in the Rutgers girls' basketball team. They can't do any worse than you bunch of bozos. Now I want to present you our new cheerleading squad. [Dolan yells out] Come on in, girls! Randolph - Oh no! It's Anucha Browne Sanders. Crawford - And Rudolph Giuliani wearing a dress! Giuliani - Hi, big boy! Curry - And Oscar De La Hoya wearing panties and high heels. Bachman - And what's he doing here? Dolan - That's our new men's room attendant, Senator Larry Craig. Thomas - You've lost your mind! Dolan - What mind? I never had a mind to lose. Now if you boys will excuse me, I'll be on my way. [Dolan walks over to the window, opens the window and jumps out] Thomas - Dolan's got a point. We're a bunch of mutts. [Thomas jumps] Curry - We might as well do the world a favor and kill ourselves as well. [The whole team jumps] Twas the night before Christmas And again life was swell The Knicks jumped out the window And they all went to hell From the Bronx down to Brooklyn The folks did rejoice They lifted their glasses And spoke with one voice Out with the old And in with the new The Knicks are all losers And James Dolan too |
| A KNICKS CHRISTMAS CAROL |
| 200motels HOLIDAY CHEER! |
| Comedy |
| Tragedy |
| Nonsense |
| Bullshit |
