THE NEW YORK CITY
BUTT EXCHANGE
BUTT EXCHANGE
| 200motels Financial Report |
The casual observer strolling through Manhattan
cannot but be astounded by the legions of
female joggers and exercise buffs sweeping
through our city’s streets and parks. These
ladies, outnumbering the male athletes by a ratio
of about 10:1, are so fanatically devoted to their
fitness regimes that any potential reportage on
the phenomenon is rendered physically
hazardous to the interviewer, who risks being
steamrollered underfoot of zombie-like phalanxes
of willowy runners, iPods jammed in their ears,
racing glassy-eyed like herds of lemmings hell-
bent on their rendezvous with destiny.
Where are the males, one is compelled to
wonder! The answer is to be found by knocking
on any apartment door, where the men are
cloistered like digital age monks, a pizza in one
hand, a Budweiser in the other, manipulating
their little joysticks to direct Formula One race
cars barreling around a virtual track.
Even as the men are thus manually occupied,
the women are maniacally burning and firming. A
peek inside any exercise class will reveal
platoons, companies, even battalions of women
with not a guy to be found anywhere on the
premises. Why this disparity of gender
distribution in the world of fitness? It would be
admirable and marvelous to attribute it to the
women’s desire to achieve peak performance in
the spirit of excellence like unto the ancient
Greek marathoners and javelin flingers of yore, to
whom the human body was a temple of
spirituality, muscular arms and legs stretching,
reaching to the heavens in an effort to connect
with the deities of Olympus and achieve
singularity with the celestial constellations
suspended in the cosmos.
Dismally, the answer is to be found rather closer
to the earthbound realities of the marketplace.
The whole time that these girls are sweating and
straining, their consciousness is fixated on the
Dow Jones Blue Chip Index and the latest Harvey
Nichols sample sale, where Cash Is King and
Jimmy Choo pumps are selling at astounding
discounts. They are calculating the available
credit left on their Mastercard and Visa, and what
utility bill to leave fallow in order to pay their
Diamond-Encrusted Platinum American Express
cards.
Living in Manhattan is not cheap if you want to do
it right, and these ladies are straining to the last
drop of perspiration to transform themselves into
a marketable commodity that will bring in the
requisite income. All their calculations have led
them to the same conclusion – snare a rich
husband. But with the competition so evidently
sharpened to a knife’s edge, and with the pool of
rich guys drying up like a waterhole in the African
veldt during the dry season, the women, whose
instincts have been honed by millions of years of
evolution to a fine point of survival, are now
cornered like lionesses in a drought, compelling
them to run and leap like a wildcat whose prey
sits tantalizingly just out of reach on an overhead
tree limb.
The men, like stupid kangaroos grazing in a
pasture as the girls zoom past, are blissfully
unaware that they are the intended target of all
this frenzied activity, until they are snagged and
sucked dry like male spiders who are devoured
by their mates after a breeding session.
Since the laws of finance and economics are
driven by the same base compulsions that have
defined animal motivations since the beginning of
life on this terrestrial orb, a new kind of economic
activity has evolved to broker these transactions,
The New York City Butt Exchange. Closely
modeled after the real estate market, this
exchange defines the value of women’s
backsides according to neighborhood, quality of
accommodations and square footage, to achieve
for the participants the best value for the dollar.
Unbelievably, women’s butts are most highly
valued in the Bowery area below Houston Street,
where just a few years ago a woman’s backside
could be acquired for $20 per square foot. Now,
the rate has skyrocketed to $500,000 to $1million
as a new crop of Vassar and Bryn Mawr
graduates have recently migrated to an area
previously populated by crackheads and
hookers, rather like the 10th century
transmigration of the Uigur people from the
frontier of China to what is modern Uzbekistan.
At the same time, values on the Upper West Side
have been dropping due to the aging of the
population and the decline of fashion boutiques
along previously fashionable Columbus Avenue,
which has contributed to a diminution of the
exterior façades adorning the women’s backsides.
The Upper East Side has been experiencing a
surge in the value of women’s butts due to the
easy availability of gym facilities, which has led to
a regression of cellulite, and the resurgence of
Spandex butt coverings in the neighborhood.
Conversely, the market has become more
competitive, as men are able to better evaluate
the true state of women’s backsides through the
Spandex when they bend over to tie the laces on
their $200 Nike running shoes.
Naturally, all these values ultimately depend on
the state of the stock market. The decline of the
dollar and uncertainty over the market’s firmness
have recently led smart women to hedge their
butts.
cannot but be astounded by the legions of
female joggers and exercise buffs sweeping
through our city’s streets and parks. These
ladies, outnumbering the male athletes by a ratio
of about 10:1, are so fanatically devoted to their
fitness regimes that any potential reportage on
the phenomenon is rendered physically
hazardous to the interviewer, who risks being
steamrollered underfoot of zombie-like phalanxes
of willowy runners, iPods jammed in their ears,
racing glassy-eyed like herds of lemmings hell-
bent on their rendezvous with destiny.
Where are the males, one is compelled to
wonder! The answer is to be found by knocking
on any apartment door, where the men are
cloistered like digital age monks, a pizza in one
hand, a Budweiser in the other, manipulating
their little joysticks to direct Formula One race
cars barreling around a virtual track.
Even as the men are thus manually occupied,
the women are maniacally burning and firming. A
peek inside any exercise class will reveal
platoons, companies, even battalions of women
with not a guy to be found anywhere on the
premises. Why this disparity of gender
distribution in the world of fitness? It would be
admirable and marvelous to attribute it to the
women’s desire to achieve peak performance in
the spirit of excellence like unto the ancient
Greek marathoners and javelin flingers of yore, to
whom the human body was a temple of
spirituality, muscular arms and legs stretching,
reaching to the heavens in an effort to connect
with the deities of Olympus and achieve
singularity with the celestial constellations
suspended in the cosmos.
Dismally, the answer is to be found rather closer
to the earthbound realities of the marketplace.
The whole time that these girls are sweating and
straining, their consciousness is fixated on the
Dow Jones Blue Chip Index and the latest Harvey
Nichols sample sale, where Cash Is King and
Jimmy Choo pumps are selling at astounding
discounts. They are calculating the available
credit left on their Mastercard and Visa, and what
utility bill to leave fallow in order to pay their
Diamond-Encrusted Platinum American Express
cards.
Living in Manhattan is not cheap if you want to do
it right, and these ladies are straining to the last
drop of perspiration to transform themselves into
a marketable commodity that will bring in the
requisite income. All their calculations have led
them to the same conclusion – snare a rich
husband. But with the competition so evidently
sharpened to a knife’s edge, and with the pool of
rich guys drying up like a waterhole in the African
veldt during the dry season, the women, whose
instincts have been honed by millions of years of
evolution to a fine point of survival, are now
cornered like lionesses in a drought, compelling
them to run and leap like a wildcat whose prey
sits tantalizingly just out of reach on an overhead
tree limb.
The men, like stupid kangaroos grazing in a
pasture as the girls zoom past, are blissfully
unaware that they are the intended target of all
this frenzied activity, until they are snagged and
sucked dry like male spiders who are devoured
by their mates after a breeding session.
Since the laws of finance and economics are
driven by the same base compulsions that have
defined animal motivations since the beginning of
life on this terrestrial orb, a new kind of economic
activity has evolved to broker these transactions,
The New York City Butt Exchange. Closely
modeled after the real estate market, this
exchange defines the value of women’s
backsides according to neighborhood, quality of
accommodations and square footage, to achieve
for the participants the best value for the dollar.
Unbelievably, women’s butts are most highly
valued in the Bowery area below Houston Street,
where just a few years ago a woman’s backside
could be acquired for $20 per square foot. Now,
the rate has skyrocketed to $500,000 to $1million
as a new crop of Vassar and Bryn Mawr
graduates have recently migrated to an area
previously populated by crackheads and
hookers, rather like the 10th century
transmigration of the Uigur people from the
frontier of China to what is modern Uzbekistan.
At the same time, values on the Upper West Side
have been dropping due to the aging of the
population and the decline of fashion boutiques
along previously fashionable Columbus Avenue,
which has contributed to a diminution of the
exterior façades adorning the women’s backsides.
The Upper East Side has been experiencing a
surge in the value of women’s butts due to the
easy availability of gym facilities, which has led to
a regression of cellulite, and the resurgence of
Spandex butt coverings in the neighborhood.
Conversely, the market has become more
competitive, as men are able to better evaluate
the true state of women’s backsides through the
Spandex when they bend over to tie the laces on
their $200 Nike running shoes.
Naturally, all these values ultimately depend on
the state of the stock market. The decline of the
dollar and uncertainty over the market’s firmness
have recently led smart women to hedge their
butts.
